So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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