If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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