Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
