I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
