Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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