The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
