Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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