also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
