i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
