I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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