Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
ok first of all what the fuck
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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