"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
