If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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