So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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