she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
