Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
