Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
