im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
