it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
