i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
