I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
