Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
