I CAN MOONWALK!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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