I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
