I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
