I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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