i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
