i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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