I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
