Apparently you make a good broom.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
