i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
