i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
