we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
