I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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