1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
