Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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