its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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