She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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