I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
