"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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