we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
