Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
