I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
