I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
