What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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