She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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