your parents love me but you hate me
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
