Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
