how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
