He kissed a someone with a penis
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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