a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
